X-Meh.

To put into context just how long we’ve been made to wait for The New Mutants, in the 1,050 days between the release of its first trailer and the film’s arrival in cinemas, Thanos has come and gone, Disney merged with Fox, and we’re now balls-deep into a full-blown global pandemic. It’s been that bloody long.

The film really has felt cursed, and at times more like an elaborate hoax than an actual movie. Due to numerous reasons, The New Mutants has been kicked further and further down the road by both Fox and Disney to the point where putting the poor thing out of its misery seemed like the only humane option.

But here we are, the best part of three years after we first caught a glimpse of the final instalment in Fox’s dwindling X-Men franchise, and The New Mutants is here…somehow. But has it really been worth the wait?

Held captive in an isolated hospital, four young mutants – Rahne Sinclair (Maisie Williams), Illyana Rasputin (Anya Taylor-Joy), Sam Guthrie (Charlie Heaton), and Roberto da Costa (Henry Zaga) – are monitored and taught how to control their superhuman abilities. When they’re joined by a newcomer, Dani Moonstar (Blu Hunt), things start to turn a little strange. Plagued by hallucinations and horrific flashbacks, their newly discovered abilities – and their friendships – will be put to the test as they battle to escape their past sins and make it out alive.

To put it bluntly, the moment the ink dried on the Disney-Fox merger, it left The New Mutants high and dry. Dark Phoenix, which was released shortly after the merger, already felt a bit futile, but with this one – the very last thing to come out of Fox’s two-decade-long X-Men universe – the franchise has gone out with a whimper.

In an ideal world, Logan would’ve been the full stop on the Fox X-Men era, serving as a poignant and fitting send off for both Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine and a franchise that set the pace for the modern comic book movie. As it is, The New Mutants finally arrives with a serious air of futility surrounding it.

Since the first glimpse of the film’s teaser trailer, something just hasn’t felt right about The New Mutants. After numerous rumours of behind-the-scenes wranglings between its studio and director Josh Boone, the numerous delays, and the confusion surrounding the film’s reshoots, there’s been something off about the whole thing from the very beginning.

Considering the absolute age it’s taken The New Mutants to arrive in cinemas, an almost mythical level of intrigue has built up around the film. After such a long and fraught production history, what were we going to end up with? Is it going to be a car crash? Is it some sort of weird cinematic mutation? Or will it surprise us all and be something spectacular?

The answer is something far less interesting than any of that.

In truth, The New Mutants is utterly middling. It’s a non-entity. While some had touted it as potentially becoming the next superhero train wreck in line with Fantastic Four and Justice League, ultimately, the film is nowhere near that bad. Yet, it’s just not that good either.

Neither super enough to be a superhero movie, nor scary enough to be a horror, or even dramatic enough to be a decent teen drama, The New Mutants sets itself up to be many things, yet gets caught stranded in the middle. As such, despite its undoubted potential, the film never possesses the nous or conviction to reach it.

As a concept, making a horror-inflicted X-Men movie is a solid one. When you have an array of mutant characters with a limitless range of weird and wonderful abilities at your disposal, the opportunities are there to give the superhero formula a horror spin, and that’s just what The New Mutants attempts, however, the results never live up to these ambitions.

Uninspired, dull, and utterly predictable, with barely even a jump-scare to get the pulse racing, The New Mutants’ attempt at horror is one-note and downright boring. The film’s creepy hospital location sets the scene well, but there’s absolutely no substance to back it up, with a total lack of atmosphere leaving things decidedly flat.

Running alongside this, the film’s baseline superhero elements never quite hit the spot either. Often coming off embarrassed by its comic book trappings, the film frequently refers to the concept of mutants and the fear surrounding them, yet never has the confidence to truly embrace its roots.

With awkward mentions of the X-Men ringing hollow and no real powers seen until well into the film’s back half, The New Mutants never feels comfortable with what it is, coming off uncommitted and timid. Of course, considering the film’s self-contained circumstances, jazzy costumes and world-ending stakes certainly aren’t necessary, but a little more love for its source material would’ve made a world of difference.

This isn’t to say there aren’t fun moments, because there certainly are, as decent action set pieces and fun visuals show glimpses of promise, yet they are few and far between. Muddled and with the studio’s meddling fingerprints all over it, The New Mutants never really knows what it wants to be and, consequently, never fulfils its potential.

As perhaps the most out of place element, Josh Boone’s insistence on shoehorning a YA teen drama in amongst everything else does nothing but muddle things further. Considering the director’s background with the likes of The Fault in Our Stars, the desire to skew in this direction is certainly understandable, but the result just isn’t strong enough, getting lost in the confused genre mix.

To their credit, the film’s young stars give it their best shot with the limited material they’re given, yet their characters are so underwhelming that they’re constantly fighting a losing battle. Of these, Blu Hunt’s Dani Moonstar is a solid and empathetic protagonist, while Maisie Williams does a decent job beside her, and Anya Taylor-Joy steals the show as a vindictive and deliciously spiteful Illyana.

Joined by a thoroughly unremarkable Nurse Ratched-lite villain, the rest of the mutant crew are completely forgettable, let down by frequently lousy dialogue and poor characterisation. With a lacklustre script and Boone’s aimless direction, The New Mutants just doesn’t know what to do with its characters, fumbling the film’s tone and never really letting it be what it clearly has potential to be.

At points over the past three years, it’s genuinely felt like The New Mutants has been a prank played on us by Fox and Disney, and after sitting down to watch it in an actual, physical cinema, I’m still not entirely convinced it is a real thing. There’s something about it that just doesn’t feel entirely present, something that’s unlikely to make much of an impression on its intended audience.

With so much potential squandered, The New Mutants may be far from the car crash many had predicted, yet it comes so frustratingly short of what it could’ve been that it ends up a hollow disappointment. As the last X-Men film out the Fox door, you have to feel sorry for just how roughly the film has been treated, however, regardless of the numerous delays and setbacks, there’s no excuse for just how timid it is. Completely unable to pick either a tone or genre, and bearing all the hallmarks of studio interference, The New Mutants sends the 20-year-long Fox X-Men franchise out on a whimper, providing further proof that it’s time to move on and let Marvel Studios have a proper go at it.